Unless you’ve been through a divorce yourself, knowing the right thing to say to a friend going through it can be difficult. What’s more, wanting to stay friends with both parties of the divorce can put you in an awkward position.
When your friends get divorced, the most important thing is to be there for them. Below, we discuss the best ways to support a friend going through a divorce.
Supporting a Friend Through Divorce
The first step is to ask them how they’re feeling and make it known that you’re there to listen, should they want to talk. It’s probably not a good idea to press for details, but you should be open to any information they want to share with you.
Being proactive, however, can make the world of difference. While it may be your instinct to ask your friend how you can help, this can sometimes make things worse, as it puts pressure on your friend to think of something for you to do. Instead, carrying out small, thoughtful acts can make them feel much more at ease.
Ultimately, the most important thing to do is follow their lead. If they’re positive about the situation, then be positive with them! If they need a shoulder to cry on, be that for them, instead.
What Not to Say
Discussing Their Ex
Although it might be tempting in some circumstances, talking negatively about your friend’s ex can make them feel invalidated. As mentioned above, let them lead the conversation; telling them how you never liked their ex unprompted could make them feel that their experience isn’t valid.
Don’t Give Them Pity
Be careful not to go too far the other way, too. While your sympathy is likely well-intended, this can often come across as pity. It could just highlight to them the difficulty of the situation.
Sharing Your Own News
Think twice before sharing your positive life update with your friend, too – particularly if they revolve around your own partner. It could rub salt in the wound for them to hear about what a great time you’re having.
Inviting Them Out
Even if they aren’t up to it and keep saying no, continue to invite your friend to one-to-one and group plans. They may find that their social circle has changed following the divorce, so reiterate wherever possible that you’re still there and want to spend time with them.
However, try not to force them to come to anything. They’ll accept plans when they’re ready for it. Knowing that you’re still open to connecting with them will help them focus on themself, instead of also having to worry about how the divorce might affect your friendship.
Give Practical Support
While emotional support is very important, helping out practically can make the world of difference to your friend. Divorce brings with it a lot of life admin. Offering to help your friend find a new place to live, pack their things, or provide childcare can help them feel more organised and in control of the wider situation.
Staying Friends with Divorced Couples
If you intend to stay friends with both parties of the divorcing couple, you should make this clear to both of them. You can still listen to and be there for them both without agreeing or arguing in a way that badmouths the other.
Be sure to establish boundaries with both of them. Make sure you, or they, aren’t crossing a line in the way you talk about the absent party. While you may want to stay friends with them both, you don’t want to hurt their feelings by talking too much about your friendship with the other.
You also need to be open to the functionality of your friendships changing slightly. If you were all mutual friends, then the way you spend time together or talk will likely change with the absence of the full group dynamic.
Have Support in Place for Yourself
Supporting a friend through divorce can be tiring, particularly if you’re trying to maintain a friendship with both parties. While you’re there to be supportive of your friends, it’s also important that you have someone there put your own mind at ease.
Being pulled between divorcing friends can be stressful, particularly if one of them doesn’t like that you want to stay friends with the other. You should also spend time with impartial friends and family so that you can get some respite.
Talk to Our Divorce Experts
At Howells, our experienced divorce solicitors are here to help you through life’s toughest moments. If you or a friend are experiencing a divorce, get in touch to find out how we can help.
